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If Your Adult Kid Calls In Crisis...
Plus: how to ease neck pain at home
The 10almonds Team
May 26, 2024
Today’s almonds have been activated by:
Do you Google your health questions? If so, you might not want to trust them at present while Google’s AI-enhanced search results overview is returning results based on all kinds of interesting sources, for example:
Health benefits of running with scissors: “Running with scissors is a good cardio exercise that requires concentration and focus”
What to do if you have depression: “Try jumping off a bridge”
How to get enough minerals: “Geologists recommend eating 1–2 rocks per day”
However, instead of mere listing an Onion article (as one example of where such advices were sourced from), it’ll confidently give the advice based on having read the article, and use generative AI to make up extra advice around that.
This is potentially funny when it’s answers like the above, but others, like explaining how a deadly mushroom is safe to eat, or what to do in the case of a rattlesnake bite, could easily be mistaken for safe advice!
In A Rush?
Today’s 30-Second Summary
If you don’t have time to read the whole email today, here are some key takeaways:
Sometimes, our own mental health is tied to that of our (often adult) kids
Today’s main feature looks at knowing in advance what to do if one’s adult kid calls in crisis
Key things to consider include managing emotions that might be running high (theirs and/or yours), listening usefully, and providing support with responsible boundaries
Good quality sleep is one of the top few things for good health, yet it’s often the one we most easily neglect.
Today’s sponsor Cozy Earth is offering temperature-regulating bamboo sheets guaranteed to keep you cool on even the warmest summer nights (literally, they have a 100-night risk-free trial to guarantee it)
Read on to learn more about these things, or click here to visit our archive
A Word To The Wise
Watch and Learn
How To Ease Neck Pain At Home
Prefer text? The above video will take you to a 10almonds page with a text-overview, as well as the video!
Psychology Sunday
Parent(s) To The Rescue?
We’ve written before about the very common (yes, really, it is common) phenomenon of estrangement between parents and adult children:
We’ve also written about the juggling act that can be…
…which includes dealing with such situations as supporting each other through difficult times, while still maintaining healthy boundaries.
But what about when one’s [adult] child is in crisis?
When a parent’s job never ends
Hopefully, we have not been estranged (or worse, bereaved) by our children.
In which case, when crisis hits, we are likely to be amongst the first to whom our children will reach out for support. Naturally, we will want to help. But how can we do that, and where (if applicable) to draw the line?
No “helicopter parenting”
If you’ve not heard the term “helicopter parenting”, it refers to the sort of parents who hover around, waiting to swoop in at a moment’s notice.
This is most often applied to parents of kids of university age and downwards, but it’s worth keeping it in mind at any age.
After all, we do want our kids to be able to solve their own problems if possible!
So, if you've ever advised your kid to “take a deep breath and count to 10” (or even if you haven’t), then, consider doing that too, and then…
Listen first!
If your first reaction isn’t to join them in panic, it might be to groan and “oh not again”. But for now, quietly shelve that, and listen to whatever it is.
And certainly, do your best to maintain your own calm while listening. Your kid is in all likelihood looking to you to be the rock in the storm, so let’s be that.
Empower them, if you can
Maybe they just needed to vent. If so, the above will probably cover it.
More likely, they need help.
Perhaps they need guidance, from your greater life experience. Sometimes things that can seem like overwhelming challenges to one person, are a thing we dealt with 20 or more years ago (it probably felt overwhelming to us at the time, too, but here we are, the other side of it).
Tip: ask “are you looking for my guidance/advice/etc?” before offering it. Doing so will make it much more likely to be accepted rather than rejected as unsolicited advice.
Chances are, they will take the life-ring offered.
It could be that that’s not what they had in mind, and they’re looking for material support. If so…
When it’s about money or similar
Tip: it’s worth thinking about this sort of thing in advance (now is great, if you have adult kids), and ask yourself now what you’d be prepared to give in that regard, e.g:
if they need money, how much (if any) are you willing and able to provide?
if they want/need to come stay with you, how prepared are you for that (including: if they want/need to actually move back in with you for a while, which is increasingly common these days)?
Having these answers in your head ready will make the conversation a lot less difficult in the moment, and will avoid you giving a knee-jerk response you might regret (in either direction).
Have a counteroffer up your sleeve if necessary
Maybe:
you can’t solve their life problem for them, but you can help them find a therapist (if applicable, for example)
you can’t solve their money problem for them, but you can help them find a free debt advice service (if applicable, for example)
you can’t solve their residence problem for them, but you can help them find a service that can help with that (if applicable, for example)
You don’t need to brainstorm now for every option; you’re a parent, not Batman. But it’s a lot easier to think through such hypothetical thought-experiments now, than it will be with your fraught kid on the phone later.
Magic words to remember: “Let’s find a way through this for you”
Don’t forget to look after yourself
Many of us, as parents, will tend to not think twice before sacrificing something for our kid(s). That’s generally laudable, but we must avoid accidentally becoming “the giving tree” who has nothing left for ourself, and that includes our mental energy and our personal peace.
That doesn’t mean that when your kid comes in crisis we say “Shh, stop disturbing my personal peace”, but it does mean that we remember to keep at least some boundaries (also figure out now what they are, too!), and to take care of ourselves too.
The following article was written with a slightly different scenario in mind, but the advice remains just as valid here:
Take care!
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Please do visit our sponsors—they help keep 10almonds free
You May Have Missed
This Or That?
Vote on Which is Healthier
Yesterday we asked you to choose between strawberries and cherries—both fine choices, but ultimately we picked the cherries (click here to read about why), as did 54% of you!
Now for today’s choice:
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Click on whichever you think is better for you!
You (Also) May Have Missed
Five Interventions For Slowing the Progression of Cataracts
Remember: The Science of Memory and the Art of Forgetting (book)
Knit for Health & Wellness: How To Knit A Flexible Mind & More (book)
One-Minute Book Review
Afterwork: An Honest Discussion about the Retirement Lie and How to Live a Future Worthy of Dreams – by Joel Malick and Alex Lippert
Regular 10almonds readers may remember that one of the key unifying factors of Blue Zones supercentenarians is the importance of having purpose, sometimes called ikigai (borrowing the Japanese term, as a nod to the Okinawan Blue Zone).
The authors are financial advisors by profession, but don’t let that fool you; this book is not about retirement financial planning, but rather, simply addressing a problem that was often presented to them while helping people plan their retirements:
A lot of people find themselves adrift without purpose at several points in life. Often, these are: 1) early twenties, 2) some point in the midlife, and/or 3) retirement. This book addresses the third of those life points.
The authors advise cultivating 10 key disciplines; we’ll not keep them a mystery; they are:
Purpose
Calendar
Movement
Journaling
Faith
Connection
Learning
Awareness
Generosity
Awe
…which each get a chapter in this book.
A note on the chapter about faith: the authors are Christians, and that does influence their perspective here, but if Christianity’s not your thing, then don’t worry: the rest also stands on its own feet without that.
The general “flavor” of the book overall is in essence, embracing a new period of enjoying what is in effect the strongest, most potentially impactful version of you you’ve ever been, as well as avoiding the traps of retirement “sugar rush” and “retirement drift”, to define, well, a more purposeful life—with what’s most meaningful to you.
The style of the book is self-help in layout, with occasional diagrams, flowcharts, and the like; sometimes we see well-sourced stats, but there’s no hard science here. In short, a simple and practical book.
Bottom line: if your retirement isn’t looking like what you imagined it to be, and/or you think it could be more fulfilling, then this book can help you find, claim, and live your ikigai.
Penny For Your Thoughts?
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Wishing you a peaceful Sunday,
The 10almonds Team
