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- To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Healthy
To Err Is Human; To Forgive, Healthy
Plus: how to improve your brain with better hydration
The 10almonds Team
July 23, 2023
Today’s almonds have been activated by:
Loading Screen Tip: emotions are criminals that you have to interrogate for the truth
⏰ IN A RUSH?
Today’s 30-Second Summary
If you don’t have time to read the whole email today, here are some key takeaways:
Have you ever wanted to get good at yoga, but you struggle to get going? Today’s featured video may help a lot.
Holding onto anger and resentment is bad for our mental health, and bad for our physical health too (hello cortisol)
Forgiving is not easy, especially when someone has wronged us or our loved ones, and forgiving ourselves for our own mistakes can sometimes be hardest of all—but it makes a big difference to our wellbeing, if we can
Today’s main feature looks at several ways to go about this (without being a doormat)
Hydration is a critical and often-neglected part of good health, and healthy habits are (by science!) best picked-up when they’re made more convenient and easy.
Today’s sponsor, Hint Water, are offering 10almonds subscribers 45% off and free shipping, on their already very reasonably-priced flavored waters and vitamin waters
They are, by the way, free from sugar and artificial sweeteners, so these are different from ones you’ve probably tried before
Read on to learn about these things and more…
👀 WATCH AND LEARN
100 Days of Yoga Transformation - Comparisons of Before and After
Here is someone who said to herself: "I have visualized my ideal self long enough… it is time to start showing up as her”
🕊️ MAIN FEATURE
How To Forgive (And Why)
There’s an old saying that holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. If only it were so simple and easy as just choosing to let go!
But it’s not, is it?
When people have wronged us and/or wronged our loved ones, it’s hard to forgive, especially if they have not changed. For that matter, it can be hard to forgive ourselves for mistakes that we made, too.
Either way, “drinking that poison” can be close to literal, in terms of what harboring such anger and resentment can do for our cortisol levels.
So, what to do about it?
If you have a dialogue with the person, our previous article on communication may help a lot.
If you don’t, there are various other angles that can be taken:
The Unsent Letter
You can even send it, if you like, but it’s not the point here. The idea is to write to the person, expressing your grievances. But, (as per the above-linked article on communication) try to focus at least as much on your feelings as their actions. “When you did/said x, I felt y”, etc.
This is important for helping you process your feelings. If you send the letter, it’s also important for the other person to be able to understand your feelings.
Sometimes, we feel the things we do so strongly because we don’t have an outlet for them. Pouring out our emotions in such a fashion, on the other hand, means (to labor the metaphor) they’re no longer bottled up. Even just in and of itself, that can provide us a lot of relief.
And when we the negative emotions are no longer such high pressure, it can be easier to let go of them.
Mindfulness
Following on from the above idea, a good strategy can be simply sitting and feeling everything you need to feel, noticing it without judgement, like a curious observer.
Sometimes what we need is just to be heard, and that starts with hearing ourselves.
Compassion
There’s a Buddhist exercise that involves actively feeling compassion for three people: a loved one, a stranger, and an enemy. Many people report that it’s actually harder to feel compassion for a random stranger, than an enemy. Why? Because we don’t know them; we don’t know what’s good and bad about them in our estimation.
If you’re reading this because you want to be able to gain the peace of being able to forgive someone (even if that someone is yourself), then in at least some respect right now, that person is in the “enemy” category. So how do we unpack that?
To err is human. Everybody screws up sometimes. And also, everyone has a reason (or a complex of reasons) for acting the way they do. This does not mean that those reasons excuse the behavior, but it can explain it.
You don’t get angry at a storm for soaking you through. Even if you might not understand the physics of it in the way a meteorologist might, you understand that there were things that led to that, and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
So why do we get angry at someone else for wronging us? Even if we might not understand the personal background of it in the way their psychologist or therapist might, we (hopefully) understand that there were things that caused them to be the way they were, and we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
And ourselves? We probably know, when we made a mistake, why we made it. Maybe we were afraid, insecure, reactive, forgetful, or too focused on some other thing. Whatever it was, we did our best at the time and, apparently, our best wasn’t as good as we’d like.
If we didn’t deserve forgiveness, we wouldn’t be critical of our past selves in the first place.
And, the science is very clear that it’s important for our health for other reasons besides cortisol management, too.
And as for others? They did the best they knew how. Maybe they were afraid, insecure, reactive, forgetful, or too focused on some other thing. Same story, different character.
Remembering that can be key to “accepting the apology we never received”.
Forgiving without forgetting
Developing the ability to forgive is a useful tool for our own mental health. It doesn’t mean we must or even should make ourselves a doormat.
“I forgive you” does not have to mean a clean slate; it means remembering that the thing happened, and just not holding on to the anger/resentment associated with it.
It may be water under the bridge now, but it might have been a devastatingly destructive wave at the time, and continuing to acknowledge truth that is sensible. Just, from a position of peace now, hopefully.
❤️ OUR SPONSORS MAKE THIS PUBLICATION POSSIBLE
No sugar, no sweeteners, just hydration bursting with fruit flavors
Hydration is a critical and often-neglected part of good health, so this is one where convenience really pays and keeps your body and brain nourished.
Hint Water specialize in flavored water infused with fruit essences. By using purified water and natural fruit essences, Hint Water provides surprisingly accurate fruit flavors—not the “sickly sweet with a strange aftertaste” flavored waters you might otherwise know.
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Please do visit our sponsors—they help keep 10almonds free
🌏 AROUND THE WEB
What’s happening in the health world…
More to come tomorrow!
📖 ONE-MINUTE BOOK REVIEW
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert - by Dr. John Gottman
A lot of relationship advice can seem a little wishy-washy. Hardline clinical work, on the other hand, can seem removed from the complex reality of married life. Dr. Gottman, meanwhile, strikes a perfect balance.
He looks at huge datasets, and he listens to very many couples. He famously isolated four relational factors that predict divorce with 91% accuracy, his "Four Horsemen":
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
He also, as the title of this book promises (and we get a chapter-by-chapter deep-dive on each of them) looks at "Seven principles for making marriage work". They're not one-word items, so including them here would take up the rest of our space, and this is a book review not a book summary. However...
Dr. Gottman's seven principles are, much like his more famous "four horsemen", deeply rooted in science, while also firmly grounded in the reality of individual couples. Essentially, by listening to very many couples talk about their relationships, and seeing how things panned out with each of them in the long-term, he was able to see what things kept on coming up each time in the couples that worked out. What did they do differently?
And, that's the real meat of the book. Science yes, but lots of real-world case studies and examples, from couples that worked and couples that didn't.
In so doing, he provides a roadmap for couples who are serious about making their marriage the best it can be.
Bottom line: this is a must-have book for couples in general, no matter how good or bad the relationship.
For some it'll be a matter of realising "You know what; this isn't going to work"
For others, it'll be a matter of "Ah, relief, this is how we can resolve that!"
For still yet others, it'll be a matter of "We're doing these things right; let's keep them forefront in our minds and never get complacent!"
And for everyone who is in a relationship or thinking of getting into one, it's a top-tier manual.
What did you think of today's newsletter?We always love to hear from you, whether you leave us a comment or even just a click in the poll if you're speeding by! |
Wishing you a peaceful Sunday,
The 10almonds Team