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The Problem With Active Listening
Plus: the dental gel that dissolves plaque (without harming teeth or gums)
The 10almonds Team
October 23, 2023
Today’s almonds have been activated by:
Loading Screen Tip: trouble sleeping, or even just winding down? Try a weighted blanket. It triggers the nervous system to switch from autonomic functions to parasympathetic functions.
In other words, it calms the physical anxiety response, which in turn can signal to your brain that it’s time to relax.
⏰ IN A RUSH?
Today’s 30-Second Summary
If you don’t have time to read the whole email today, here are some key takeaways:
Listening is important for good relational health, but many people “try too hard” with active listening techniques that can make a person feel like they’re talking to a Furby.
See today’s main feature for ways around this, and extra tips too!
Deficiency of vitamin B12 may contribute to inflammation; fortunately, for most people it’s easy to supplement these days if you don’t get enough from your diet.
Doesn’t it feel a bit brutal sometimes when the dentist is scraping off plaque?
Today’s sponsor, LIVFRESH, have developed a gel that safely dissolves plaque without harming the teeth or gums (this is such an impressive breakthrough that we included a link to the actual science in the sponsor section; check it out!)
Read on to learn about these things and more…
👀 WATCH AND LEARN
5 Signs It's Gaslighting, Not a Disagreement (5:25)
Some disagreement can be healthy!* And not even all less healthy conflict has to be gaslighting. But sometimes, it really is gaslighting:
*Examples of healthy disagreement:
Differences of opinion (“coffee is great” vs “I don’t like coffee”)
Differences of belief (“this way will be quickest” vs “no, this other way will be quickest”)
Differences of recollection—while acknowledging that that doesn’t make one’s own recollection automatically the correct one.
A healthy attitude to the above is called “differentiation” in psychology, and is a key marker of emotional intelligence.
All of these kinds of disagreements should still come with mutual respect. After all, in cases of difference, usually at least one of you will be wrong, and whoever that is, is still worthy of respect too! Sometimes you can figure out who is right and who is wrong. Be gracious whether you were correct or incorrect, and expect the same of the other person.
Friends (and partners) should not be afraid to disagree. What kind of friendship/partnership would that be?
(As a counterpoint, if you and your friend or partner have a difference of opinion on some critically important life value, then maybe that is a sign of some fundamental incompatibility. But that’s another matter and beyond the scope of this segment today)
👂 MAIN FEATURE
The problem with active listening
Listening is an important skill to keep well-trained at any age. It’s important in romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, friendships, and more.
First, for any unfamiliar or hazy-of-memory: active listening is the practice of listening, actively. The “active” side of this comes in several parts:
Asking helpful questions
Giving feedback to indicate that the answer has been understood
Prompting further information-giving
This can look like:
A: How did you feel when that happened?
B: My heart was racing and I felt panicked, it really shocked me
A: It really shocked you?
B: Yes, because it was so unexpected; I’d never imagined something like this happening
A: You’d never expect something like that
B: No, I mean, I had no reason to
And… As a superficial listening technique, it’s not terrible, and it has its place
But unfortunately, if it’s one’s only listening technique, one will very quickly start sounding like a Furby—that children’s toy from the 90s that allegedly randomly parroted fragments of things that had been said to it. In fact this was a trick of programming, but that’s beyond the scope of this article.
The point is: the above technique, if used indiscriminately and/or too often, starts to feel like talking to a very basic simulacrum.
Which is the opposite of feeling like being listened to!
A better way to listen
Start off similarly, but better.
Ask open questions, or otherwise invite sharing of information.
People can be resistant to stock phrases like “How did that make you feel?”, but this can be got around by simply changing it up, e.g.:
“What was your reaction?” ← oblique but often elicits the same information
“I’m not sure how I’d feel about that, in your shoes” ← not even a question, but shows active attention much better than the “mmhmm” noises of traditional active listening, and again prompts the same information
Express understanding… But better
People have been told “I understand” a lot, and often it’s code for “Stop talking”. So, avoid “I understand”. Instead, try:
“I can understand that”
“Understandable”
“That makes sense”
Ask clarifying questions… Better
Sometimes, a clarifying question doesn’t have to have its own point, beyond prompting more sharing, and sometimes, an “open question” can be truly wide open, meaning that vaguer is better, such as:
“Oh?”
“How so?” ← this is the heavy artillery that can open up a lot
Know when to STFU
Something that good therapists (and also military interrogators) know: when to STFU
If someone is talking, don’t interrupt them. If you do, they might not start again, or might skip what they were going to say.
Interruption says “I think you’ve said all that needs to be said there”, or else, if the interruption was to ask one of the above questions, it says “you’re not doing a good enough job of talking”, and neither of those sentiments encourage people to share, nor do they make someone feel listened-to!
Instead, just listen. Passive listening has its place too! When there’s a break, then you can go to one of the above questions/prompts/expressions of understanding, as appropriate.
Judge not, lest they feel judged
Reserve judgement until the conversation is over, at the earliest. If asked for your judgement of some aspect, be as reassuring as you can. People feel listened-to when they don’t feel judged.
If they feel judged, conversely, they can often feel you didn’t listen properly, or else you’d be in agreement with them. So instead, just sit on it for as long as you can.
Note: that goes for positive judgements too! Sit on it. Expressing a positive judgement too soon can seem that you were simply eager to please, and can suggest insincerity.
If this seems simple, that’s because it is. But, try it, and see the difference.
❤️ OUR SPONSORS MAKE THIS PUBLICATION POSSIBLE
Dissolve plaque, without harming teeth/gums
LIVFRESH make some bold claims:
❝We have made the first breakthrough in the dental industry since 1914.❞
❝LIVFRESH performs 250% better at removing plaque than a market leader❞
The first claim is about using molecular nanotechnology instead of abrasion, to remove plaque. The claim is worded a little strongly, but it genuinely is a major breakthrough.
The second claim... We love randomized clinical trials! So we looked it up, and found it:
Now, the sample size was small (33), but the results were overwhelmingly positive. And the test group had a worse gingival index than control, before starting—and much better afterwards:
In other words, the competition was stacked against the product, and it still won clear. With this in mind, we're very happy to recommend LIVFRESH's edathamil*-based dental gel!
*That's their patented formula that breaks down plaque on a molecular level, without damaging teeth.
It comes in multiple flavors, so you get two links today:
If you're unsure which to go for, we recommend the peppermint, as it has fewer ingredients, and is a true gel rather than a foaming gel.
PS: 10almonds subscribers can use code DENTAL20 for 20% off at checkout 😎
Please do visit our sponsors—they help keep 10almonds free
🌎 AROUND THE WEB
What’s happening in the health world…
New study unifies hypotheses behind the dietary cause of obesity that once seemed incompatible
More screening vigilance needed to fight chronic liver disease: study
B12 deficiency: a hidden trigger of inflammation?
Parents make mistakes. So what does “good enough parenting” look like?
Older adult drivers found to have a lower risk of causing motor vehicle crashes than younger drivers
New pill helps COVID smell and taste loss fade quickly
High-intensity focused ultrasound procedure treats localized prostate cancer while preserving urinary, sexual function
More to come tomorrow!
📖 ONE-MINUTE BOOK REVIEW
Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess - 5 Simple, Scientifically Proven Steps to Reduce Anxiety, Stress, and Toxic Thinking – by Dr. Caroline Leaf
First of all, what mental mess is this? Well, that depends on you, but common items include:
Anxiety
Depression
Stress
Trauma
Dr. Caroline Leaf also includes the more nebulous item "toxic thoughts", but this is mostly a catch-all term.
Given that it says "5 simple scientifically proven steps", it would be fair if you are wondering:
"Is this going to be just basic CBT stuff?"
And... First, let's not knock basic CBT stuff. It's not a panacea, but it's a great tool for a lot of things. However... Also, no, this book is not about just basic CBT stuff.
In fact, this book's methods are presented in such a novel way that this reviewer was taken aback by how unlike it was to anything she'd read before.
And, it's not that the components themselves are new—it's just that they're put together differently, in a much more organized comprehensive and systematic way, so that a lot less stuff falls through the cracks (a common problem with standalone psychological tools and techniques).
Bottom line: if you buy one mental health self-help book this year, we recommend that it be this one
🗞️ OTHER NEWSLETTERS WE LOVE
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Wishing you a peaceful Sunday,
The 10almonds Team