• 10almonds
  • Posts
  • Codependency Isn't What Most People Think It Is

Codependency Isn't What Most People Think It Is

Plus: what to do to avoid "leaky gut"

Author

The 10almonds Team
October 30, 2023

Today’s almonds have been activated by:

❝If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavor❞

One almond
⏰ IN A RUSH?

Today’s 30-Second Summary

If you don’t have time to read the whole email today, here are some key takeaways:

  • Codependency occurs when we are in an enabling relationship (romantic or otherwise) with someone who is dependent on a substance or harmful behavior—which can be many things, including the non-physical, for example a pattern of irresponsible impulse-spending, or sabotaging one’s own relationship(s).

    • We can manage this by nurturing instead of rescuing, and establishing clear boundaries that can ultimately improve things for everyone concerned.

  • Doesn’t it feel a bit brutal sometimes when the dentist is scraping off plaque?

    • Today’s sponsor, LIVFRESH, have developed a gel that safely dissolves plaque without harming the teeth or gums (this is such an impressive breakthrough that we included a link to the actual science in the sponsor section; check it out!)

Read on to learn about these things and more…

One almond
👀 WATCH AND LEARN

Leaky Gut The Fiber Microbiome Connection to Disease | Dr. Rashmi Kulkarni (5:03)

Leaky gut, or increased intestinal permeability, occurs when the lining of your digestive tract becomes compromised.

You absolutely do not want microbes from your gut getting into other places:

Prefer text? There is a text version under the video, or else you might like our previous main feature:

Want to watch it, but not right now? Bookmark it for later 🔖

🍺 MAIN FEATURE

Codependency isn’t what most people think it is

In popular parlance, people are often described as “codependent” when they rely on each other to function normally. That’s interdependent mutualism, and while it too can become a problem if a person is deprived of their “other half” and has no idea how to do laundry and does not remember to take their meds, it’s not codependency.

Codependency finds its origins in the treatment and management of alcoholism, and has been expanded to encompass other forms of relationships with dependence on substances and/or self-destructive behaviors—which can be many things, including the non-physical, for example a pattern of irresponsible impulse-spending, or sabotaging one’s own relationship(s).

We’ll use the simplest example, though:

  • Person A is (for example) an alcoholic. They have a dependency.

  • Person B, married to A, is not an alcoholic. However, their spouse’s dependency affects them greatly, and they do what they can to manage that, and experience tension between wanting to “save” their spouse, and wanting their spouse to be ok, which latter, superficially, often means them having their alcohol.

Person B is thus said to be “codependent”.

The problem with codependency

The problems of codependency are mainly twofold:

  1. The dependent partner’s dependency is enabled and thus perpetuated by the codependent partner—they might actually have to address their dependency, if it weren’t for their partner keeping them from too great a harm (be it financially, socially, psychologically, medically, whatever)

  2. The codependent partner is not having a good time of it either. They have the stress of two lives with the resources (e.g. time) of one. They are stressing about something they cannot control, understandably worrying about their loved one, and, worse: every action they might take to “save” their loved one by reducing the substance use, is an action that makes their partner unhappy, and causes conflict too.

Note: codependency is often a thing in romantic relationships, but it can appear in other relationships too, e.g. parent-child, or even between friends.

How to deal with this

If you find yourself in a codependent position, or are advising someone who is, there are some key things that can help:

  • Be a nurturer, not a rescuer. It is natural to want to “rescue” someone we care about, but there are some things we cannot do for them. Instead, we must look for ways to build their strength so that they can take the steps that only they can take to fix the problem.

  • Establish boundaries. Practise saying “no”, and also be clear over what things you can and cannot control—and let go of the latter. Communicate this, though. An “I’m not the boss of you” angle can prompt a lot of people to take more personal responsibility.

  • Schedule time for yourself. You might take some ideas from our previous tangentially-related article:

Want to read more?

That’s all we have space for today, but here’s a very useful page with a lot of great resources (including questionnaires and checklist and things, in case you’re thinking “is it, or…?”)

One almond
❤️ OUR SPONSORS MAKE THIS PUBLICATION POSSIBLE

Dissolve plaque, without harming teeth/gums

LIVFRESH make some bold claims:

  • ❝We have made the first breakthrough in the dental industry since 1914.❞

  • ❝LIVFRESH performs 250% better at removing plaque than a market leader❞

The first claim is about using molecular nanotechnology instead of abrasion, to remove plaque. The claim is worded a little strongly, but it genuinely is a major breakthrough.

The second claim... We love randomized clinical trials! So we looked it up, and found it:

Now, the sample size was small (33), but the results were overwhelmingly positive. And the test group had a worse gingival index than control, before starting—and much better afterwards:

In other words, the competition was stacked against the product, and it still won clear. With this in mind, we're very happy to recommend LIVFRESH's edathamil*-based dental gel!

*That's their patented formula that breaks down plaque on a molecular level, without damaging teeth.

It comes in multiple flavors, so you get two links today:

If you're unsure which to go for, we recommend the peppermint, as it has fewer ingredients, and is a true gel rather than a foaming gel.

PS: 10almonds subscribers can use code DENTAL20 for 20% off at checkout 😎

Please do visit our sponsors—they help keep 10almonds free

One almond
🌏 AROUND THE WEB

What’s happening in the health world…

More to come tomorrow!

📖 ONE-MINUTE BOOK REVIEW

Survival of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty – by Dr. Nancy Etcoff

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? And what does it matter, in this modern world, especially if we are already in a happy stable partnership?

The science of it, as it turns out, is less poetic. Not only is evolutionary psychology still the foundation of our perception of human beauty (yes, even if we have zero possibility of further procreation personally), but also, its effects are far, far wider than partner selection.

From how nice people are to you, to how much they trust you, to how easily they will forgive a (real or perceived) misdeed, to what kind of medical care you get (or don’t), your looks shape your experiences.

In this very easy-reading work that nevertheless contains very many references, Dr. Etcoff explores the science of beauty. Not just what traits are attractive and why, but also, what they will do for (or against) us—in concrete terms, with numbers.

Bottom line: if you'd like to better understand the subconscious biases held by yourself and others, this book is a top-tier primer.

What did you think of today's newsletter?

We always love to hear from you, whether you leave us a comment or even just a click in the poll if you're speeding by!

Login or Subscribe to participate in polls.

Wishing you a peaceful Sunday,

The 10almonds Team